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Wednesday, June 08, 2011



Hey! I have not been able to stop thinking about this post since I read it this morning. I think this is "normal" girl behavior. I vividly remember in 4th/5th grade when a childhood friend (friends since 2 years old) turned on me to be with a different group of friends and did not include me in that transition. I also vaguely remember my mom "controlling" (as much as she could) the contact I had with this friend. For example telling me no when I was invited to an event with the friend and I remember being upset at the time, but it helped me get to know other friends who were true friends. It sounds like your daughters are very aware of life and are mature for their age so I think a toxic friend conversation could be had or a conversation of keeping old friends but make new ones. A different train of thought could be that you mentioned this is a "new" best friend so maybe the girl did not know how to handle being Lily's friend and friends with the other girls at the party. She may not be mature enough to understand more the merrier when it comes to interacting and getting along as a big group. Some people like small cliques and not in a negative way but b/c that is a comfort zone for them.

Seeing your daughter hurt is a feeling like no other and I think a good approach is talking with Lily about how she felt at the party, how she felt around the friend, and ask her if liked feeling like that around that friend versus other friends. She may make the connection that she doesn't like being left out and will make an effort to find friends who don't leave her out and make her feel confident and good while hanging out with them. I would frame it as her own decision so she can start making good choices in the friendship department.

I don't know if any of this is helpful...but I felt compelled to comment. Good luck!

Jennifer June

"How do you protect your child and try to fix their broken heart, while trying to teach them that this is life and children can be really mean and hurtful. "

Oh sweetie...

As the mother of 3 teenage girls, my heart goes out to you.

I don't think it's necessary to talk to the mean-girl's parents.

At the same time, I don't think there is anything wrong with taking mean-girl aside discreetly and letting her know GENTLY that she is really hurting somebody's feelings.

That having been said... You can't protect your kids from having their feelings hurt and the experience alone teaches them that this is life and children can be really mean and hurtful.

You can give them good communication tools and coping methods and mountains and boatloads of positive reinforcement.

Ela Asisi

I remember a similar situation happening to me at my ten-year-old slumber party! I went straight in to my mother's room, crying because Nicole convinced my best friend Carrie to leave early with her and sleep at her house, because my party was so "lame". :( I remember seeing the pain in my mother's face, she seemed so sad for me. I remember wanting to see anger though and I wanted her to run to my rescue! I wanted her to force Carrie to stay and kick Nicole to the curb. Instead, she gave me a hug and tried to impart a piece of her motherly wisdom to me. She helped Carrie and Nicole call their parents and waited with them on the porch till Nicole's mother arrived. My mother then insisted that I continue trying to have fun with the other girl's there. I soon forgot about it, in fact my family moved three months later and I remember being teary eyed as I hugged Carrie and Nicole goodbye. Children get over things so easily and it's so important to give them the tools to face the conflicts in their lives rather than jump in to rescue.

As for the manners, I insist that my son's friends say "yes", "please" and "thank you". It's a house rule and if they want to play with us, they must abide by the rule. It hasn't kept the kids away though, if anything they enjoy coming to the house and tend to remind each other to use their manners so I don't have to.

As for having more parties, ugh! I can barely handle a two hour playdate, kudos to you for lasting the whole night. :)

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