One of my oldest friends of thirty-five years, just had her first baby a few days ago. I emailed her this morning on my way to work because today was her birthday and I asked her how she was doing. She replied that things were great but she can't seem to stop crying. It's happy crying but crying nonetheless and WHAT THE HELL? What is this and why is it happening and oh yeah, her husband would like to know also because he would like it to stop...soon.
So I responded:
Your crying is totally normal. Your entire life was just flipped upside down, turned inside out and forever changed. You have thousands of hormones coursing through your body combined with the nursing and the sleep deprivation and be prepared because the next few months are going to be NUTS. Crying is okay, so just go with it.
You gave life to a little girl, your little girl, forever. Yours. You baked her in your belly for months and that is a miracle. There is nothing NOT heavy about the experience you just had.
Crying is exactly the right thing to do.
In the near future you are also going to feel frustrated, tired like you have never known tired before, like you made the wrong decision about oh, whatever you possibly had to make a decision about. You may feel like a failure sometimes and probably more than just sometimes and that is ALL normal.
Never be upset with yourself for crying. Just allow yourself to be in the moment with it because those overwhelming feelings of love for baby Julia are as real as it gets.
And call me whenever you need me to tell you that, even if it is everyday.
So after I sent that email I was thinking about something that used to bother me so much when I was a brand new inexperienced, scared, tired, nervous Mom. No one ever told me how hard first- time Motherhood was, so I always thought I was doing something terribly wrong if I was struggling.
Nine times out of ten, women who just had a baby and are struggling will often not admit to it and they will walk around saying everything is great and their babies are great and everything is just, well GREAT.
It may not be fair to categorize it as only new Mother's that are guilty of this. It could just be a certain type of person that doesn't admit that the first few months of a baby's life can be as tortuous as it is amazing, all at the same time. What I have found through my life experience's is that the toughest people are actually the ones that can admit to having weaknesses or having struggles in life.
Mother's have a tremendous amount of pressure on them from a societal standpoint as well as the pressure they put on themselves and the standards that they hold themselves too. But I never lied about how hard I thought Motherhood was and still is, specifically in the first few months of a baby's life. My start with Lily was easier as I was a more seasoned Mother by then and I was not as lacking in confidence as I was when I had Belle.
Questioning your choices as a Mother will always be an issue no matter what age your children are. But with Belle, I was a total maniac. A bundle of hormones, nerves and a human milk bottle twenty- four seven. Not to mention I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Belle slept all day and was of course, awake all night. She slept in a car seat for months and I put her to sleep many nights by repeatedly pushing her back and forth in a stroller.
I did everything you are not supposed to do. I was clueless. I was the first of my friends and family to even have a baby. The last baby born into our extended family was twenty-five years old when I gave birth to Belle. I had no baby sitting experience nor did I have any younger siblings to practice with.
My family and I were so clueless that my Mother told me to get knocked out when I had Belle, "the way they used to do it." "MOM, they don't do that anymore"* I said horrified, but what did she know, that's had they did it back in her day. My Mom had three babies and for two of them my father dropped her off at the hospital on his way to the office. For her first labor he was in Korea, an entire world away.
In my opinion nursing contributes to a new Mom feeling like she is five minutes away from cracking up. Nursing can be tough and it consumes your entire day in the first few months. You plan trips to the store or to see friends around your nursing schedule. The amount of paraphernalia that I had for one small nursing session still makes me laugh OUT LOUD even as I write this five plus years later.
Nursing in our house the first few weeks was not fun at all. "I can't hold the baby comfortably in the freaking football position, what's the name of that other hold? The cradle something?" I found all the holds to be hard with such a tiny baby especially since I suffered a broken arm as a kid and they never set it right and it is still crooked and trying to get it into position didn't always work out well for me.
But a few months into nursing and I was an expert. I was able to carry on a somewhat normal life with just one caveat. Belle always had to be with me because she didn't take a bottle...from anyone and in eleven months I never left her. Well, there was one time I tried only to be called an hour later because she refused to take a bottle from my Mother.
So what I am trying to say here is, I wish women were more open and honest with each other about how hard Motherhood is, in particular the first time around. The second time around is a whole different experience and the one that Mom's probably enjoy the most. If Mom's were more honest with Mothers-to-be, than expectations could be set at a more manageable level and Mom's wouldn't be left feeling quite as overwhelmed.
Besides if Motherhood wasn't hard you wouldn't be doing it right. I just believe in being truthful with new Mom's.
Am I totally off-base here? Was someone kind enough to fill you in about how hard Motherhood would be? Or did you not want to know the truth, ignorance is bliss?
* More about this to come.
