So I seemed to have taken a bit of a self imposed break last week from heyMamas. I didn't intend to take the week off as I never have in the year and a half that I have been writing here. Even when we have been on vacation, I have gone to a public library and logged on to my computer to blog. But if you read my previous post, clearly, I was extremely overwhelmed.
I am not even sure what it was exactly that put me over the edge, but I hit a wall and had a few mini breakdowns scattered throughout the week. Actually I might know what a few of the contributing factors were, but I'll tell you about that another time...maybe...I mean I am raising two little girls who know how to read and writing something here that they may object to would not be a good move for me.
Whenever I am stressed I usually just walk around my house repeating, "I have a million things to do." Even if it is only like two or three things, I just keep saying I have a million things to do. Drew will try to calm me down by asking me what exactly are these million things that I need to do that are stressing me out so much? I am usually so flustered at that point, that I might name one or two things and then just say, "JUST LIKE A MILLION THINGS, I DON'T KNOW I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT ALL."
Usually it is in fact only two or maybe three things, but when you are in an advanced state of stress, even one or two things seems like a million. (Drew just leaned over to tell me that humans are the only species that do not have cartilage in their penises. He is watching a show on the Food Network where a man is eating deer penis and he wanted to let me know that human's penis length is not pre-determined like other species but able to grow to various lengths. And look, now you all know that as well. So there. Good. I feel good about everyone knowing that fact.)
So back to where I was.....for those of you that blog, you know how much of an effort it is. How much of a commitment it is to stay true to writing three or four times a week. To uploading pictures and keeping memories alive by writing them all down. And for all the reasons that it stresses me out at times, the maintenance, the organizing of events that unfold in our lives, these are also the very same reasons why I love it.
And when I get lazy and don't feel like writing but rather just laying in my bed after a long day and watching some meaningless reality TV, guilt starts to creep in. Guilt sets in and it keeps me going. I have started something here that my girls can have. Something that they can look at, read, share and laugh about and remember for the rest of their lives. How do you quit that? How do you just stop writing about everything they do. How could I stop recording so many great moments? I mean I wouldn't even know how to stop. I may want to, many, MANY days, but I just wouldn't know how to look back and look at this thing that I started for them but was too busy or tired to keep up with.
So that is the situation that I am in now. GUILT. It's all about the guilt now. So sometimes I may have a meltdown and disappear for a while, but don't worry I will always come back and at least now you know why.
I am also going to write more of what I am feeling and strive less for perfection. This might help alleviate some of the stress involved with feeling like I HAVE to do something. I also have alot of pictures to post related to Halloween and a school assignment for Belle that we worked on last week, which perhaps could have been one of those contributing factors to my various small meltdowns scattered throughout the week.
